The Hot Sauce Incident

Apparently no one reads this blog. At least that what site tracker says. I have applied to both DCBlogs and DCist and I guess I will have to post more. Lets see. I have been trying to find a good topic for a blog, but they don't come easy. I guess I will have to tell another vulgar story.

During my undergraduate years, I ate at California Tortilla (see Sandblasting post below). Let me tell you why I like CalTor better the Chipotle.
They have drink/chip combos.
They have a wide assortment of hot sauces
They have different flavor burritos
They have ice tea at their soda fountains
Speaking of Hot Sauces CalTor features the hottest hot sauce around Dave's insanity Sauce. This shit is good, and hot. Its the kind of sauce that if it touches your skin it burns.
It was a normal day, I remember the sun was shining. It was hot for September. A grumble in my stomach told me that I needed sustenance and I needed CalTor. After months of visiting CalTor I had realized that there was a list of all the hot sauces rated by heat. The hottest of course, was Dave's Insanity Sauce. Due to burrito store cleptos, I had not yet gotten a chance to try the Insane Sauce. It seems that it was my lucky day, for low and behold, there was the black label of Dave's Insanity Sauce unopened. I quickly opened the bottle and poured a dab on my finger and tasted. The heat came slowly, but didn't stop and eventually I had to get some water. Realizing the urge coming from my bladder I realized that I needed to use the bathroom (number 1 this time). By the time I was done my order was ready to go and I got into my sweet sweet Saturn and drove home. On the way, I readjusted my junk again and again and again because there was a stinging coming from my balls. I thought maybe I got bit by something. I went into the house put the food on the table and went to the bathroom to check it out. Nothing looked wrong. I started eating my burrito and realized that something was wrong. And then it hit me. I had transfered a small amount of Dave's Insanity Sauce to my balls when I went to the bathroom in CalTor. I ran upstairs and tried to maneuver myself to get some water running over my area. With my face pressed against the mirror, I realized that I needed a better solution. I quickly stripped down and hopped in the shower. The second the water hit me it was like I was on fire. The water had simply amplified the burning.
I had heard a long time ago that drinking milk and eating bread were good ways to recover from spicy food. I dried off put on some athletic shorts and made my way to the fridge. Well my dick can't eat bread, so I needed to find some milk. No dice. No milk. I did seem some cheese and thought well, they are both dairy, I grabbed the cheese. I saw the Pina Colada LaPlaya or some spanish named cheap yogurt I had recently bought from the store. Figuring I would go with the cheese first (I didn't want to have chunks of pineapple on my hog). I went to the toilet and took the American Cheese and rubbed it on my balls. It didn't work that well and was pretty nasty. Realizing I had no choice and that if I didn't take care of this the insanity sauce would burn a hole in my sac I grabbed the pina colada yogurt, ripped off the foil wrapper and poured the contents on my balls. The relief was instant and after smearing the yogurt pineapple concoction all over my junk the pain was completely gone.
Paranoia strikes me each time I eat hot sauce.